and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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