Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i would punch a child for taco bell
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
