I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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