Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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