life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
