Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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