Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
