I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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