apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
