He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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