I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
