Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
