thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
