what day is it and did you see me today?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
