Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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