It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
