I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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