I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
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And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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