Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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