I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
