Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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