What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she smelled like a LAN party
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
