Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
