he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize