I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
