Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
