captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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