A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
