Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
