I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
