I've blown a few things in my day
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
