She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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