Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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