i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
