I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
