I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
