yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
