I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
