the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
