I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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