she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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