Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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