If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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