I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
