Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
