alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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