Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
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You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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