I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
