I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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