what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
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That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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