only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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