she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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