All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
